Balancing the Yearning for Spontaneous Intimacy While Pursuing a Committed Partnership
Being a homosexual male in my late 40s, I’ve spent many, mostly pleasurable years pursuing casual sex with other men from my teenage years. During my fourth decade, I was in a committed partnership that lasted a significant period, however it never fully satisfied me, because I felt neither loved or intimately fulfilled. Truthfully, my constant desire has been for casual sex. Whenever I start to date a potential partner, once the newness dwindles, I always get the urge to be intimate with new partners once more.
Reflecting on the Possibility of Monogamy
I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to maintain a monogamous relationship. I'm aware that many gay men have non-monogamous arrangements, yet when I’ve witnessed them, they appear demanding, frequently resulting in lots of pain and jealousy among all parties. To a large extent, I want another man to care for me while allowing me to remain sexually free, however I fear the psychological toll this would cause. Is it best to continue to have spontaneous encounters and accept that a lasting partnership is not possible? I’m feeling somewhat confused.
Every person’s sexual journey fluctuates. Avoid considering of your relationship needs or your capacity to handle various forms of intimate connections as fixed. What you need in your current state could easily shift down the road; eventually you may find yourself less ambivalent and find greater understanding and a comfortable path … or perhaps not. At some point you might meet a person who provides a transformative opportunity for you by reflecting what you want completely … and at another point you may choose that non-committal encounters suit you best. Fretting over what lies ahead and engaging in the “What if?” game is simply rooted in fear and squandering of your efforts. Try to be in the moment in your relationships, and recognize the worth of every individual with whom you might have a sexual connection. When and if the time is right to strengthen genuine closeness with a single person, you will know.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a American therapy professional who specialises in addressing intimacy issues.
